Back In Action

After two years of sitting at home with my kids I finally did it.

I went back to work.

Logically, it made the most sense. My oldest started junior kindergarten and my youngest finally got approved for government subsidized daycare. (Thank heavens, after five years on the waiting list!) And honestly, being back at work these last two months, has been amazing.

I get to have adult conversations all day long instead of talking to only my children, I have a reason to get dressed and leave my house, I can put on make-up and look pretty for more than just sitting around the house, and I've lost almost 25lbs just from being at work walking/lifting boxes.

I feel so much better about my appearance and my mental health has made leaps and bounds into a healthier place. I can't believe how different I feel since being back to work. I am enjoying every moment with my husband and kids, and I am enjoying my time away with coworkers and friends. I've missed this so much and it's so great to be back.

I was definitely not destined to be a stay-at-home mom. I felt more stress staying at home for two years than I do doing double drop-offs in the morning and going to work.

- * A

Irrational Fears

Sometimes, when laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, the strangest thoughts pop into my head. Different scenarios that either terrify me or are just plain weird. They usually lead to me taking even longer to fall asleep because it works me up into a full blown panic and shakes my anxiety up until it feels like I could pop.

Some of these thoughts or ideas are things that could never happen. Things that are so completely irrational that any person without an anxiety disorder would completely disregard and go on with their life, laughing it off along the way.

But some of them are things that logistically c o u l d happen, but are highly unlikely.

Like what if one day I was walking over a bridge and one of my kids wanted to see the train or whatever was underneath it. So I lift them up so they can see over the ledge and then they wiggle out of my arms and start falling. This dream has plagued me ever since I had my first child. In no way would I ever consider lifting them up so that they were far enough over the railing that this would happen, but it's still somewhere in my head making me crazy. This is my most frequent nightmare, I always wake up as they are falling.

Or, what if one day we are swimming in a lake and they're grabbed by a fish or octopus and pulled under. What if a fish tries to bite my toes? I know this one is a completely irrational thought, because last I checked there are no octopuses in lakes, or fish big enough to pull a person under water. Still, there is this thought lingering in the back of my mind.

My thoughts/nightmares go from one extreme to the next. From completely ridiculous to something that could happen in real life but is a one in a trillion chance.

How do I stop these thoughts and get some sleep? How do I camn my anxiety down at night to prevent myself from getting worked up and being unable to sleep. The insomnia is wearing on my physical and mental well being.

-A.

My Top Ten Saddest TV/Movie Deaths

This week has been exhausting. I'm having a lot of trouble falling asleep so I watch a lot of movies. It got me to thinking...

Have you ever been watching a movie and a character dies that just affects you in a way you weren't expecting? Like you feel it deep, it maybe makes you cry?

Very few things will make me ugly cry in life, but here are my top ten saddest TV deaths; (In my opinion, no particular order.)

Harry 'Opie' Winston - Sons of Anarchy
Paul Hennessy - 8 Simple Rules
Mark Sloan - Grey's Anatomy
Marvin Eriksen - How I Met Your Mother
Poussey Washington - Orange is the New Black
Jack Pearson - This is Us
Keith Scott - One Tree Hill
Marissa Cooper - The O.C.
Jen Lindley - Dawson's Creek
Dan Connor - Roseanne

(Honourable mentions to Lexie Grey & Samual Norbert Avery, both from Grey's Anatomy.)

And my top ten saddest movie deaths; (In my opinion, no particular order.)

Sirius Black - Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix
Jack Frost - Jack Frost
Hillary Whitney - Beaches
Thomas J. Sennett - My Girl
Angel Dumott Schunard - Rent
Court Foster - The Man in the Moon
May Boatright - The Secret Life of Bees
Severus Snape - Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part II

There are only eight movie deaths listed here as the last two spaces are for whoever doesn't make it from Avengers: Endgame because I'm already crying about it.

What characters death made you ugly cry?

-A

2 0 1 9

It's time for my 'new year, new me' nonsense. 

I have a few simply goals for 2019. Things that I am hoping to stick with for at LEAST six months but hopefully longer. 

Goal #1. Try to write a blog post at least once a week. (Maybe two if I'm feeling witty.)

Goal #2. Make some new mommy friends.

Goal #3. Pack efficiently so our move goes off without a hitch.

and Goal #4. Get out of the house more with the kids. Whether it be outside, laps around the mall, a trip to the library, EarlyON centers. We just need to get out more. I've struggled with losing the weight since I had my second child and while I don't want to make a stereotypical weight loss goal post I feel like getting out of the house and off the couch will help. 

My mental health has been fragile this last year with high highs and low lows, and I feel like my struggling weight loss has contributed greatly. I don't want to leave the house, I have no energy, and my temper is short (with everyone). 

So although these goals are simple and maybe boring, I'm hoping they will help me with a happier and healthy 2019. Physically and mentally. 

Stay tuned for my journey. 

Tomorrow, we are off to the library for reading, colouring, playing, and maybe making some new friends.

-A

Memories in Song.

Do you have a favourite song? One that whenever it comes on you just can't help but sing, dance and have fun? Or one that makes you think of an old memory, takes you back in time to a special moment?

I always seem to associate certain songs with special moments or times in my life. Like Build Me Up Buttercup by The Temptations is the song I associate with my high school best friends. It was a song we just had to sing and dance to anytime we heard it. 

Or Everywhere I Go by Hollywood Undead with old of my really good friends that lives out of town and our trips out to our old favourite bar. (That was closed forever last year.)

Here are my ten most favourite songs that take me back to past memories. (In no particular order). 

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride, everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything, will be alright, alright."

Here's To Us - Halestorm

"Stuck it out this far together, put our dreams through the shredder. Let's toast, 'cause things, got better. 'Cause everything could change like that, and all these years go by so fast, but, nothing lasts, forever."

Unwell - Matchbox 20

"But I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know, right now you can't tell. But stay a while and maybe then you'll see, a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. I know, right now you don't care. But soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be."

Standing Outside the Fire - Garth Brooks

"We call them strong, those who can face this world alone, Who seem to get by on their own, those who will never take the fall. We call them weak, who are unable to resist. The slightest chance love might exist, and for that forsake it all. The're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire, convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire."

Here I Go Again - Whitesnake
"And here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever know. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone, But Ive made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time."

Where Does The Good Go - Tegan & Sara

"Where do you go, with your broken heart in tow? What do you do, with the leftover you? How do you know, when to let go? Where does the good go? Where does the good go?"

Paradise by the Dashboard Light - Meatloaf

"Now our bodies are oh so close and tight, it never felt so good it never felt so right. And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife, glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife. Come on, hold on tight, oh come on, hold on tight. Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night, I can see Paradise by the dashboard light."

Bed of Roses - Jon Bon Jovi

"I wanna lay, you down in a bed of roses. For tonight, I'll sleep on a bed of nails. Oh, I wanna be, just as close as, your holy ghost is, and lay you down. On a bed of roses."

She's My Kind of Crazy - Emerson Drive

"She's my kind of Sunday driving. Rolling down the back roads hanging out the window. Riding with her hair in the wind and her hands in the sky, like she's flying. She's my kind of pony tail pretty, sounds like the country, looks like the city. I march along to what ever out of town drum she plays me. She's my kind of crazy."

Hurts So Good - John Cougar Mellancamp

"Come on and make it uh, hurt so good. Come on baby make it hurt so good. Sometimes love don't feel like it should. You make it, hurt so good."

What are your favourites?

-A. 

Ps. It's hard to stop at ten, so honorable mentions go to...

Sick & Tired - Cross Canadian Ragweed

Pinch Me - Barenaked Ladies

Push It Boy - Tosh

Anyway You Want It - Journey

Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison

Smile - Uncle Kracker

2012 - Jay Sean

Umbrella - Rihanna

Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies

Ragoo - Kings of Leon

Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran

Hey Jude - The Beatles

Dancing in the Moonlight - Toploader

Mom Guilt

Both boys are currently asleep. Probably not for long as the baby will need to eat at some point, but while it is quiet I'm going to type this out.

For those parents with two kids under the age of three, how do you deal with the mom guilt from not being able to spend as much time with the older sibling? I feel like I am frequently saying, "In a minute bud", "When I'm done feeding your brother", "I can't right now buddy","You're going to have to wait a bit". 

I find it's even harder because my second is such a high maintenance baby. He is always being fed, or screaming. He will only take a nap if he is snuggled up on me. If I put him down anywhere (play mat, swing, jolly jumper, crib) he just screams. And I don't mean normal baby screaming, I mean the loudest high pitch scream one could produce. He will scream and scream and scream until he can't breathe and starts turning purple. It only stops if Mommy picks him up. No one else. He will fuss and cry with anyone else except Mommy. It is the single most frustrating thing in the world. I feel like I can never get anything done, or spend any time playing with my oldest unless I just put the baby down and let him scream for a few minutes. 

I just feel so bad for my older child. He's either being told to wait or listening to continuous screaming. I feel like having a second child this close might have taken away from some of his childhood experiences. I know later on once the baby settles into a routine, starts walking, starts talking, and can play with the toys with him they will become the best of friends. 

Until then, wish me luck. Two is much harder than one. 

-A. 

Terrible Toddler Tantrums

What do you do when your two year old loses it. And I mean REALLY loses it.

No rhyme or reason, just full on screaming and crying for a significant amount of time. (By significant I mean 15 minutes or more because 15 minutes of screaming can be an unbearable amount of time.)

E just had a wild tantrum, probably the worst I've seen so far. Screaming, crying, throwing himself down, slamming things... just a meltdown of epic proportions. I asked him if he was hungry, thirsty, or tired and he said no to all. I asked if he wanted to watch Paw Patrol, do a puzzle, read a book, or play with his cars, again no.

He eventually went into his room and slammed the door, but because the door handle is so high he couldn't get back out which prompted even more screaming. I opened the door for him after about five minutes and he slammed it shut in my face, and then screamed again because he couldn't get out. I went and sat down in the living room to see if the screaming would subside, maybe he would fall asleep or get distracted, but somehow he ended up getting out of the bedroom. (I'm guessing he pulled something over to the door to stand on.)

He came out and I figured out the root of the problem. He saw his nummers (pacifier) but since we are trying to break him of it during the day it's put up where he can't reach it (and where I thought he couldn't see it.) If he had've just said "nummers" in the first place I would have explained our big boy story and redirected him to something else like the special treats and snacks I bought just for this particular issue. But alas, he is only two and communication isn't their strong suit.

One step at a time.

Toddlers are hard.

A.